The “Why” Behind My Work
Over the course of my career I've worked with many individuals at the pinnacle of their calling: professional athletes, world-renowned artists & musicians, and some of the brightest business minds in the world. In getting to know them, I love asking them "The Why" behind their incredible drive & discipline. And in their answers, I’ve found it fascinating how often fate can turn on a single person. A solitary relationship. A momentary connection that inspires a lifetime of devotion. How we as humans can be driven over the course of a lifetime by the forces of fear & fighting, greed & lack, or grow incandescent with the power of love & generosity, creation & possibility.
When we're at a crossroads in our lives - as so many of us are - our WHY becomes a critical question, perhaps the most important one we can ask ourselves. WHY are we here? WHAT is fueling, supporting and sustaining us? What is the person and memory, the vision and power behind our purpose?
One of my WHYs was firmly staked into my life thirty years ago and still - through so many incarnations and manifestations - is still held close to my heart… guiding, informing and inspiring my work today. While many people and experiences have touched and shaped me over the years, *Jess reminds me that at this critical moment in human evolution how vital it is to protect, nurture, heal and support the feminine in our society and culture - that it is the key to our collective future.
It was my college freshman “family orientation” day, and I showed up alone. I didn't realize that was unusual until I found myself awkwardly wading through a cluster of families, parents & extremely bored siblings. Minutes into the tour, an amiable dad with kind, twinkly eyes and khakis notice I was alone and began steering his daughter rapidly in my direction.
Jess was tall, blond and so porcelain in complexion she was almost translucent. She didn't walk so much as float —- I've never met anyone before or since who had such lightness of being. Her presence felt like a fragile songbird, or a balloon somewhat reluctantly held to the earth by clumsy human hands… she was right there and very far away at the same time.
Mr. & Mrs. C engaged me in conversation and I was quickly taken under the wing of the C family brood as we toured the campus together. And a few weeks later, as fate would have it, I tore open my college roommate assignment letter to find - surprise! - Jess would be my freshman year dorm roommate.
The phone rang that same night and - knowing it was Jess - I raced to the phone eager to talk about all the things about-to-be-college roommates talk about. But it was her dad on the line.
"Kayse, Jess is really excited to talk to you. But there’s something you need to know first."
"The thing" I needed to know was that Jess was recovering from a mental breakdown. That earlier in childhood Jess and her three younger siblings lived with their grandparents every summer. And that every summer Jess was sexually abused by her grandfather.
Every normal kid thought I’d had evaporated as I listened carefully to Mr. C sharing what this meant: Jess was heavily medicated. Jess slept up to 14 hours a day from the side effects. Jess had extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Jess could be moody and depressed and some days need to stay inside.
Over the next two years Jess and I lived together in a dorm room that could be generously described as a large closet. As students go, we could not have been more different: I was an athlete and biochemistry pre-med major, while Jess was a creative & art major who loved to dance. There was not a single piece of clothing that escaped our room that year without oil paint on it, and our tiny room was crammed with watercolors, pastel crayons and sketchbooks...which I complained about constantly but secretly loved. On weekends we’d dance our way through the Greek houses - The Go Go’s, Smashing Pumpkins, A Tribe Called Quest - dancing and taking turns holding a shared plastic cup of really unfortunate beer. We were both exceptionally sensitive and remarkably messy, and very protective of each other.
Lost in dancing, laughter, or painting was the only time I ever saw Jess really seem free of the burden of her memories. She was truly kind and so gentle in the way animals can be - effortlessly. Her spirit was here to create and contribute love and beauty and softness in the world, and over our years together I saw - close-up and inescapably - how one man's selfishness could destroy a spirit that naturally, innately needed protection from the harshness of the human world.
Stolen from her was her natural easy joy and peacefulness, replaced by nightmares and nearly constant anxiety. Her very first kiss with a boy - at age 18 - triggered days of panic attacks and an inability to leave our dorm room. She’d have grotesque flashbacks and writhe in her little twin bed, unsafe in her own skin but unable to escape. Most weeks her heavy medications allowed her to attend a few classes and sleep, but after a string of good days a memory would be triggered and she’d be shaking and weeping in bed. On the scariest nights I’d climb behind her and hold her against me until she’d sob herself to sleep, a movie-reel of revenge fantasies coursing through my mind. During those dark nights, my initial shock, helplessness and rage slowly alchemized into something else - the shattering of this girl’s spirit burned and permanently imprinted into me, and I’ve carried her spirit inside of me and my work for nearly thirty years since.
Fast forward to today, I have worked with and beside many thousands of women and men who bravely walk the path of healing from childhood sexual abuse, emotional trauma and chronic illness rooted in adverse childhood conditions. They are doing courageous work - the most courageous work there is - to rediscover who they are… who they were… who they were always meant to be in this lifetime. Who they were when their spirit was safe & free. Witnessing people decondition, release the narratives of fear and limited versions of themselves, shed old identities and re-discover the expansive, eternal, powerful and pure version of themselves — it is the most beautiful gift.
People sometimes ask me, aren’t you worried about getting in trouble with the work you do? Shouldn’t you wait for permission for the “people in power” to make the rules of who and how we should be able to heal? Are you afraid?
But here’s the thing: Many of the “people in power” don’t protect women and children. In fact, their personal actions have normalized a culture where women are made to feel fearful, traumatized, and perpetually triggered. The former president of the United States is currently on trial for rape and openly brags of assaulting women. The heads of movie houses and media empires foster cultures of misogyny and violence. Our Supreme Court justices stand accused of sexual assault and harassment. The Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee looks the other way while children are molested. It’s time for our society to grow up, level up, and restore character, respect & integrity as a prerequisite for our leaders. How can we expect women to heal from the epidemic levels of physical and emotional disorders unless we simultaneously heal & elevate the consciousness of our culture??
Great leaders protect women and children and create a culture of safety, freedom and respect for all. Weak leaders exploit, hurt and use women and children, and put their own agenda above all. I choose to abide and follow the law of a higher power and standard than the one we’ve currently got - I choose to live into the future I know is ahead, and hold the vision for what is possible for us. I’m not waiting for the same men who cause and perpetuate harm to give women permission to heal, or keep us fearful and marginalized until they can claim credit, control and exploit nature’s innate gifts for their own personal profit.
I am informed by the Forest, not Fox News. And while I cannot trust the words and agenda of men, I can always trust in the natural world. I choose to follow and serve her above all, and work in reverence and aspiration to be more like her, less like a human.
I still see Jess today in the faces and voices of every woman, every day, who is healing and expanding and becoming the whole, vibrant and powerful spirit they were born to be. Today we are awakening to the consciousness that our individual health and ability to be happy and free is dependent upon the ability for all sentient life to be happy, held precious and made to feel free. As each of us step within and tend to our personal healing, we contribute to the collective healing of our culture and step forward into a more beautiful future possible for us all.
